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For now

Tuesday, January 28, 2014
You know when you're just done? When there's nothing else to say or do? 

We'll I'm there. I'm complete....with this part of my journey and although I know I'll write again (I always do), this little blog has run it's course. Don't you worry....it's an amicable break-up; we've just grown apart. I'm leaving this web-home with fond memories. It's here that I've made fun of myself, shared my favorite things, documented my life, reflected on choices, vented, healed and ultimately moved up and on.


True to the "yo-yo" name, this blog captured the many ups and downs over my last year and a half. Just over 100 posts documenting my wins and losses. The ups were great and I'll treasure them always. The downs, well, they were shitty. But what can I say? I'm thankful. The bumps, bruises and tears paved the road to now. And now is pretty great.


I've changed direction. It took me awhile to even realize I had. I've detoured from the rocky yo-yo highway and I've merged onto a different stretch of road; a more scenic (dare I say smooth) route. I came to the realization that if I kept bracing myself for a life of ups and downs then that's what I would be sure to get. More highs. More lows. Well, fuck yo-yo's. I always hated those stupid, sure-to-be-knotted-up-within-seconds-pieces-of-shit-things anyways.


Light bulb. Hello? Ya, it took awhile for me to get it. It's how I've always looked at the world; always on guard, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well, what if I had a different perspective? What if I focused on the ride itself; the journey versus the road conditions? Wouldn't that provide for a more enjoyable trip? Perhaps. Perhaps not.


It's worth a try, right?


So, until we meet again, I'm wishing you sex, nachos, yeast-free vaginas and of course all my favorite things. Don't know what the F I'm talking about? You've got some reading to do.


Thank you for joining me, lifting me up, crying and laughing with me. It's been amazing and uniquely perfect.


So I guess that's it. At least for now.
So long, my friends.
For now.

JC

Monday, January 20, 2014
What to write? What to share? I'm waiting for inspiration. Writing has (and has always been) therapy for me. I feel good....,so I'm done.., RIGHT?


It's the classic, bipolar reaction to normalcy. "I'm fine; I don't need therapy (drugs, help, support, etc) anymore". Um, hello....the therapy (drugs, help, support, etc) is yielding the normalcy.
Duh.
Chicken and egg shit can be confusing.


I'm moving on. That's my tale. In almost every way possible. A new job is occupying my mind and depleting my brain and energy tanks. Jesus Christ. Learning is fucking exhausting. Oh, did I mention that Lily said "Jesus" the other day? Out of frustration. In the exact way I would have said it.


Shit.
Ya, that happened.
Well, that's an Irish Catholic tradition; passed down my via beer-soaked blood line.
My bad.
Gotta work on that.


Where was I?
Oh ya, I'm moving on.


I've turned the chapter on my past and I'm moving forward.
It's been a journey.


A fucking hard journey.
BUT..,I've been walking through the pain and I'm surviving.


I've cried, prayed, grieved and honored my experience. And funny thing.....
It's left me with gratitude.
This is my (perfect) life.
My tank is full.
My life is full.
I'm happy.
I'm at peace. 


So then, what's left?

Boring stuff.
That's what.

Who cares about that?
Not sure.

Ups and downs.
And a lot of in-betweens.


I'm in-between right now. I'm moving forward without drama and pain. I'm learning and growing without tears and heartache.


Hmm, feels boring.


Amazingly boring.


The challenge now?
Acceptance. 

..With the day-to-day
..With the lack of stress.
..With normalcy.
..With happiness.
..With peace.

Jesus Christ.


There I go again.

Past, present and future

Friday, November 22, 2013
No better time to start a blog post than when waiting for my turn with a psychic reader. Yup, you heard right. I'll try anything once.., well most anything. My friend is a believer, me...not so much, but with a quick swipe of my credit card I can cross this one off of my bucket list.

My friend is going in first. Silly me I thought we could do this together but our tangled energies may confuse the psychic. Duh! So I'm waiting out here alone, on this red velvet couch, getting high on incense and watching Bravo. Hmmm, how did she know I love Bravo?

Man! they've been in there for awhile. I'm getting scared. Does that mean that I may slightly believe there's some credibility to this bullshit. No. No way. But why am I scared? Of what? Oh fuck, what if she tells me something awful? What if she tells me I'm sick and gonna die. Get me the fuck out of here! But I can't leave my friend. Fuck! Okay, I'll just keep writing and watching Bravo. But I've seen this fucking episode...the physic should have know that. Right? Whatever. Moving on. I'll recap some recent events of my past while I wait to be informed of my future. 

Lets see here.., I got a new job. A fresh start is WAY overdue. I'm leaving behind the best team of people I've ever worked with but sometimes you just have to take a leap and its my time to jump.

What else? Lily transitioned to a full-time preschool program this week. She is doing great and adjusting well to her new teacher and class. She's a big girl now; I'm happy and sad. I've taken off the last several weeks to be home with her. The time has been invaluable. I have a whole new appreciation/respect/gratitude for stay at home parents; It's the hardest job when done well! I also have a whole new level of envy for them. Lily and I have shared some amazing memories over the last few weeks, ones I'll treasure always. BUT I may kill someone if I have to act out a Cinderella scene (like full-out with costumes and props) one more freaking time. I literally may kill someone! Balance is a good thing and we're finding it one day at a time. We're sinking into our new family groove and it feels good.

What else? We're going on a vacation, a trip we should have taken a long time ago. We're going back to our happy place, Maui. We can't freaking wait!

What else? I had a pretty cool experience on my dad's birthday this year. Each year when his birthday rolls around I feel obligated to go to his grave site. I don't. The guilt builds. I hate going there. I hate seeing his name on a tombstone. I hate to be reminded of his death and the terrible place I was in after he died. But early this month, on his birthday, I felt myself pulled to his site. The tears were immediate and relentless but they released so much pain and anxiety that had built up over time. I felt like my dad was "there", "talking to me", "talking through me". After years of uncertainty, I was suddenly at ease. I dreaded going there but resisted leaving "his side". It was just what I needed. A reminder to start living. Thank you, daddy.
....
Okay...so just finished my first ever session with a psychic. Hmmm. She strangely hit on a few things that were pretty insightful, I'll give her that. Interesting. BUT, she should have known that I've seen this Real Housewives episode though. Fail.

That's it for now...my past, present and future.
Free of charge.

Normal

Thursday, October 24, 2013
It's been awhile. How are things? Where have you been? What's up with you? 

Oh me?

What's alive in me right now, you ask?

Gosh what's NOT alive in me right now? I'm a ball of stress and nerves. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired.....(BUT I'm the first to grab for my phone after a mid-night potty trip. I'm convinced my half-rested brain may have what it takes to pass the next level of candy crush. Those fucking clear, evasive, jelly square bitches). 

Hmm, what else?

Oh...
My sweet girl turned 3 this month and to celebrate her big day she decided to go ape shit crazy. It's become obvious that my little spark plug needs more consistency and structure. She needs her mama and her mama needs her. Together we'll work this out. 

And then there's everything else. Husband, home, family, friends, holidays, preschool, dogs, bills, pap smears and Real Housewives. It's a lot, I tell ya.

Life will be "normal" soon. I think? I keep telling myself it will be. But maybe that's my problem! What the fuck is normal? Maybe normal is getting comfortable with a certain level of fuckedupness. If that's not a word it really needs to be.

I've carried around this "normal-thing" for too long. It's heavy and restricting. It's judgmental and limiting. It's stupid and a waste of fucking time. This "bar" or measure of normal kicks into overdrive when you become a parent. Thanks to the likes of "the bump" and "babycenter", you can count on at least one email a month to tell you what "normal" looks like at this stage of the game. ie: your child is talking, sitting, crawling, walking, etc. Other "milestone-tests" come from our own comparisons and observations. As mothers we compare our child's social, verbal, emotional and physical skills against their peers. We do so quietly, in the background, later sharing our thoughts with our spouses. Our parental search for "normal" is to help ease our own anxiety about the road they'll travel. Normal in our heads = smooth sailing. Or so we hope and pray.

Well, I'm pretty tired of (being, acting, seeking) normal. My child, home, family, marriage, etc deserve more than being measured against a contrived, nebulous, meaningless "ideal". Perhaps fuckedupness IS the new normal. Yup, I think so. That feels right. 

And there you have it. That's what's alive in me right now. A normal sense of fuckedupness. Quite normal indeed. 

And you? 

Fall

Monday, September 23, 2013
Fall is hands down my favorite season. Its always been for as long as I can remember. The weather perfectly balances the remaining warmth of summer with the impeding chill of winter. Fall is crisp, colorful leaves that crunch under my perfectly broken-in tall, camel-colored boots (not to be specific or anything). Fall is pumpkins, lattes, thanksgiving, cider, warm fires, new tv season, friends, family, pie, coats, scarves (I have a million), holiday shopping, etc, etc. ALL amazing things. 

Fall changes the color of our world; shedding the past. It's a fresh start, a new beginning, a recharge. A much needed recharge for me this year.

Fall brought me marriage. Happy Anniversary to my honey, 8 years on September 21st.

Fall brought my baby. Happy Birthday to my little girl, 3 on October 8th (who has been driving me all sorts of crazy but is ridiculously cute and funny. Thank God for that).

Fall brought me everything!

Happy fall to you.
Now you know my favorite season. What's yours? And why? 

Right now

Tuesday, September 10, 2013
I don't have a cohesive, topic-driven post to offer. Life has been moving forward, as it does, with a little of this and a little of that. I'll be honest, it's been a little shitty with a little sunshine thrown in. Truth is I'm living with a child who has lost her mind and I've lost mine in turn. She's two going on clinically insane. She routinely rips her clothes off and runs around my house yelling. I literally woke up to her crying (screaming) naked in my hallway at 2:45am. Reason? She had to blow her nose. Seriously?! It's truly like living with a crazy person. I may not survive puberty. I literally may NOT survive!!

This month marks her entry into preschool.
Okay she's pretty cute. I'll give her that.

This month also marks 8 years of wedded bliss (growth, fights, learning, compromise, teamwork, progress, love, life, commitment). There's no one else for me.
He cooks me dinner.

He's an incredible (fun) dad (and uncle)

& he loves me. a lot.

Next month marks Lily's 3rd birthday. I look forward to celebrating her in princess-like fashion. Of course.
snow white at ALL times.

Next month also marks the one-year anniversary of our 3rd IVF. A failed cycle which led to another failed cycle which led to one of the worst emotional falls of my life. Truth is I'm still finding my way back. I wish I could say that after a whole year I am whole again. Nope, not yet. Not sure I'll ever be. I came across an Instagram profile the other day and her description read "IVF warrior". I thought to myself, yup that's what it feels like. Right now my warrior wounds still feel fresh and vulnerable.

I've said it before and I'll say it again:
 
Right now I'm counting the days until my vacation. Right now I'm thankful that I have a fan blowing on me (its hot). Right now its quiet....Ahhh. Right now I'm wondering what this next year has in store for us. I hope it's good. Please be good! Right now...I'm tired and dreading a dead-of-night toddler scream. Please no. 

Right now I'm feeling worn down and anxious, over everything, over nothing. 

What's your right now? 

Little shit

Sunday, August 18, 2013
My dear child, my adorable princess, my sweet flower Lily has lost her ever loving mind. It's been a gradual decline over the last 6 months. As she nears the big 3 she is headed directly toward straight-jacket territory. The tantrums are daily and the whining is constant. Ok, maybe not constant but almost constant...enough to make me want to run for the hills on an hourly basis.

Super nanny is now a verb in our house. Yup, sounds like this: "I don't want to have to super-nanny you". It means returning her to her bed without talking or acknowledging the tantrum in progress. Its a thankless, exhausting, and emotionally taxing workout. I'm talking sweating my ass off lifting her back in her room over and over again. Little shit is persistent and getting heavier by the day. 

I love the "been there done that, it's gonna get way worse, wait until she's a teenager" cautionary tales that veteran moms offer through wicked chuckles and knowing smiles. Okay, okay....I hear you, you little mom shits. It's normal. I get it. She's wrestling with understanding her emotions, she's finding her voice and independence. Hooray, that's great and all but that doesn't make the moment(s) any more tolerable. It's a damn good thing she's cute. A damn good thing.
 
Don't get me wrong. There are many more sweet moments than insane ones. Well, maybe not more.., but a good split. Well, maybe not a good split..,but an okay balance of sweet time/drive me to drink time. I know the tables will turn and my sweet, precious, sane daughter will return. Just in time to leave home I'm sure. Little shit.

Aw, but here she is dressed as Snow White (with coordinating tiara) at the zoo with daddy. She's not a little shit...she IS a princess. And just like that all is forgiven.