Yesterday was my day to "act as if" I was officially done with IVF. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then read this. If you do know what the hell I'm talking about, thanks for bearing with me on this bumpy, uncertain road called infertility.
I'm not going to lie. It was incredible to "feel done". It was so nice to say "fuck-you" to more shots, doctors appointments, ultrasounds, hormones, invasive surgeries, the uncertainty, the disappointment, the unknowns, etc, etc, etc. It was also refreshing and helpful to take stock of what I DO have. Unlike many, I have beat this thankless shit storm before. I am a mom...to an incredible girl. Unlike the day prior, there were no chest pains and I didn't feel overwhelmed. BUT, there was still some anxiety. My heart rate felt elevated...pretty much all day. Hmmm. What's this about? I feel so thankful, yet still not at peace.
After some soul searching, I decided that anxiety is present on both paths. Not surprisingly I felt anxiety and stress when I imagined doing IVF again. Let's be honest....it's fucking hard. It's physically draining; it's emotionally draining, it's financially draining. It's a crap shoot. It's a process...a time intensive process which would now include frequent back and forth trips to San Francisco. I started to really think about the medication again, the dreaded two week wait, the hope..the fear...all of it. And yes, I started to freak out and have chest pains. Then the next day when I considered (and truly sunk into the decision) of NOT trying again, the anxiety was still there but in a slightly different form; a sadder form, a seemingly more permanent form. What I (think) I realized is that I will feel anxious either way no matter what road I take. The question then becomes what "type" of anxiety is better? What is the lesser of two evils?
Frankly if I didn't have any anxiety or trepidation about trying again I would know for sure that I AM indeed insane. It's quite normal to be nervous about any medical procedure. Layer on top of that a 30% chance of success, a new doctor, a new clinic, an out-of-pocket bill, etc. etc. The anxiety I felt when I "tried on" the decision to go for it again....quite normal AND more importantly TEMPORARY as compared to the anxiety I felt when I acted as if I was done trying. That anxiety could potentially stay with me forever in the form of "what if". I'm scared of regretting my decision. I'm scared that I will quit too early. I'm scared that peace is right around the corner and I will stop just short of it.
Does this make any sense?...
So what's my decision?...
I don't fucking know.
Mr. Yo and I both have some preliminary blood (and other...I'll leave it at that) tests to do. The results will help our doctor better refine his recommendation. Based on those results, his recommendation and the assumption that things still look okay under the hood, I think I may try....One More Time. Mark my words...ONE more fucking time...so that I can truly have peace with this journey. That being said, if things don't look so great with our test results, I'm walking away! I'm not going to be the old lady in a nylon sweatsuit connected by her VIP card to her "lucky" slot machine thinking the next pull will be "the one". I know you've seen her. We all have. Thank you Jesus...she's NOT me and I'm not her. I CAN and WILL walk away knowing full well that I have already hit the jackpot.
That's it for now but as always...